Stableford, Brian Man in a Cage

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primeval sea.
And on and on, through lifeless paradise and limitless death.
And I will return, because the journey is cyclic.
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I will stand, as I do now, on the threshold of eternity, again and again.
I have discovered that you are dead. The universe is mine.
Titan Nine
The Waiting Game
It was about ten when I knocked on Jenny's door. I was almost surprised when she answered.
Hi, she said. Sounded unenthusiastic, like: Oh, it'syou .
I wandered in and sat down.
Long time no see, I said.
All of thirty hours, she said. You want some coffee?"
That's right. What'd you do today?"
Her answer floated back from the kitchenette. Work."
The new tape the same as the old one?"
Just about."
I had a look at your torture chamber. Jacobson showed me around with a ghoulish grin on his face. I
asked for a demonstration, but poor Hurst looked quite pale and I didn't have the heart."
It is a bit cramped, she admitted, leaning in the doorway while she waited for the water to boil. But
it's only for a few weeks. And you'll be so full of happy thoughts you won't even notice the time pass."
Happy thoughts, I echoed. Houdini couldn't have got out of that thing with all the picklocks in his
armory. D'you really think it's necessary?"
No."
But it's safe?"
No chances. We do it all the easy way. I don't think the equipment matters. All we want to know is
whether your mind can stand up. I think it can. But the others didn't. So we take no chances."
It's a hell of a way to travel."
For the time being, it's the only way. It brought Lindquist back in one piece. We'd be fools not to use it
to bring you back in one piece."
Does it occur to you that if deep space doesn't drive me mad, the Iron Maiden treatment might?"
Not you, Harker. Not you. You're a practiced survivor. Anyhow, come back catatonic if you feel like
it. Feel free. We'll fish you out of it."
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She came in with the coffee, and I sipped gingerly. I couldn't understand why everybody was so
perpetually ghoulishly cheerful these days. Nobody was sparing my feelings.
All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty-Dumpty together again, I observed.
So they should have hired a psychiatrist."
You aren't a psychiatrist. You're only a theorist."
I'm the world's foremost expert on you. And I've practiced. Psychiatry, that is."
In the midst of all this happy jollity, I said, I feel about as merry as an undertaker at a christening.
Sometimes I get the feeling nobody thinks I can do it except me and thee, so nobody cares much. I feel
like the butt of a big joke."
So laugh."
It's not funny. I have my doubts, you know. Real doubts. Sometimes I mull over your fascinating
logic you know, Harker Lee is the one man we can send to spend six weeks in hell, because he's done
it all before.
Well, that's right. I have done it before, and it wasn't nice. So maybe it wasn't spectacular; I just stared
at spots on the ceiling till they crawled, and gave up talking for Lent. Big deal. But it wasn't that easy.
There were an awful lot of things involved in my recovery after that breakdown, and one of them was a
knowledge that it could be beaten and if it could be beaten it wouldn't happen again. You know, that's a
whole lot of different circumstances to the ones I'm likely to find out by Proxima Centauri."
The trip won't take six weeks, she said. And most of the weeks it does take you'll be in normal space
at sub-c and you can talk, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be absolutely okay."
Has it ever occurred to you that when a guy standing on top of a high building manages to talk himself
out of jumping off it doesn't necessarily mean he could survive the fall if he did?"
She sighed.
People who understand you are often very difficult to talk to. They understand you too well. They know
when you're talking beyond your real feelings, and they know why. If they play the game, you know
they're fooling. If they don't play the game, you can't either. Sometimes it does me good to talk, to say
things I don't mean. But I need an audience. It's easier by mail.
So what do you want? she said. You want to go home?"
Can I?"
No."
Then that's not what I want, is it?"
No, she said, tiredly, you want to sound off. You want to feel sorry for yourself and make me feel
sorry for you, too."
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So humor me."
Has it occurred to you that it isn't so easy for the rest of us?"
I'm the guy qualifies for the coffin if it doesn't work." [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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