L'Engle, Madeleine A Live Coal in the Sea

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have death where there hasn't been life. There was
Madeleine L'Engle,44
a funeral. People pitched together and paid for the stone:
THOMAS JAMES JENSEN, and his dates. I went back to school in the autumn. But
I
was out of step with everybody. I'd spent all my time with T.J: I did all
right
academically, but I couldn't relate to the other kids. I suppose I was
grieving,
and grief is embarrassing.'
She nodded, watching him pour milk into his tea. Suddenly he smiled. 'You
know,
that first night we met, you were doing some real grieving about your mother
and
your professor, and I wasn't a bit embarrassed.'
'I was,' she said.
'You needn't be embarrassed with me. Not ever.'
And she wasn't. That was the amazing wonder of it. She wasn't even
embarrassed
that she'd told him about her mother and Grange. She felt freer with Mac than
she had in a long time, and she was passionate about keeping their friendship
strictly private, which largely meant keeping it from Luisa. Luisa sometimes
clumsily tried to find dates for Camilla. 'You know, you don't have to
compete
with your mother.'
Camilla shrugged. 'Good. Since I obviously can't.' 'Are you jealous?'
'Of Mother? Of course not.' 'Are you sure?V
'Yes!' But was she? She answered, was happy, I might be wildly jealous. And a
lot of the time I am.'
'You can't be happy, all alone.' 'I have lots of friends.'
'But you haven't had a boyfriend since my parents split and Dad took Frank
off
to Cleveland. You're not still carrying the torch for my brother, are you?'
'No.' Camilla shook her head. 'After all, I haven't seen or heard from him in
years.'
slowly, 'If my mother But she's not happy.
A Live Coal in the Sea�45
'But you were pretty close, back when we were fifteen.' 'That was a long time
ago, Luisa.'
'Camilla, you have hormones just like the rest of us, and sooner or later
they're going to erupt and play havoc.'
Were they erupting in her growing friendship with Mac? When she was not
actively
studying she was thinking about Mac, waiting for the next time she would be
with
him, waiting for the touch of his fingers, his cheek pressed against hers,
his
lips ...
Telling no one. When he picked her up after class to go out for coffee and
conversation, she made sure that she was back in the dorm in plenty of time
to
do her job of setting the tables or serving.
She lied, which was contrary to her nature, about spending Sunday evenings
with
Mac and his kids at the Church House. She told Luisa that she was doing some
studying in the library for a paper on electron waves. Since she often worked
in
the library in order to avoid the noise of the dorm, this was acceptable. And
she was careful to return to the dorm at exactly five minutes past library
closing time.
She didn't notice that she was no longer even tempted to fantasize about
Professor Grange. It was not just that her mother had smirched it, but that
Mac
was everything in her life that Grange had not been. She was in love with
Mac,
and she believed that it was reciprocal, and she wanted to keep it for the
two
of them alone. She was amazed at how sweet it was.
Mac bought her an album of Dvorak's "Dumky" Trio. 'It's our music,' he said.
'An
unbirthday present. Whenever you play it, wherever I am, we'll be together.'
She did not think of her parents, even though she made a duty call to them
once
a week, during which they hardly touched each other in any way. She did not
want
them or anybody else to know what she was feeling. There was nobody she could
talk to, though sometimes she wanted to shout out loud her love of Mac.
Madeleine L'Engle,46
But the thought of Luisa's response kept her mouth closed. Luisa would hoot
at
the idea that Camilla was helping an Episcopal priest with a batch of
adolescent
kids in a church youth group. She would laugh even louder at the idea that
Camilla enjoyed it, that she was coming to care for the kids. Some of them
sought her out to talk to her, to ask advice, or to air grievances, knowing
that
Camilla would listen, fully focused on whatever the problem was, and that she
would care, but not condemn.
She was joyful, actively joyful for the first time in several years.
Nan Neville remarked that Camilla seemed extraordinarily happy. She smiled at
Camilla and did not ask why. Then she said, 'Hey, I love that Dvofik Trio you
keep playing. I'd like to work on it someday myself.'
'I love it. I'd love to hear you play it.' 'Where'd you discover it?' [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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